What Blue Jeans, Pro Wrestling and Toilet Paper Have in Common

For years now, I’ve been careful about what I post online – on my blog, on Facebook, on Twitter.

I’ve been conservative, fearing that my mother might read something, and then I’d get a phone call explaining to me in a stern tone that her friends think I’m some sort of lout (which I probably am, but don’t tell them that). Or that my current or future employers would read anything controversial and run the other way, leaving me to wonder why I was jobless and unhireable.

Screw it.

Life’s too short to be worried about what other people think.

And with the government shut down, it seems like the right time to close down my filter, too.

So, here goes. I’m finally going to admit that there are things in life that I just don’t understand.

1.     Why is it considered embarrassing to have toilet paper stuck to your shoe? I really don’t get it. Are all of us concerned that people will find out we occasionally use a restroom? For that matter, why is toilet paper funny? Seriously, most of us become 10 year olds when the subject is brought up. In high school, I ran for student body vice president, and I held up a square of toilet paper. It brought the house down. Nobody could even hear what I was saying at that point, but people still bring it up. Granted, the toilet paper at my high school was made of wax paper. So, yeah, it is pretty funny.

2.     What’s with the stigma over jeans? I see things all the time that say something like, “Dress appropriately. No jeans, please.” I’ll admit it right now. Most of my jeans are nicer than any khakis I own. I’m not suggesting that we all replace business suits with blue jeans, but I sure as hell think a nice pair of jeans looks better than the ratty cargo pants that your coworker down the hall is wearing.

3.     Why do people write “All of a sudden,” but they say either “All the sudden” or “All of the sudden”? People have argued this with me nearly endlessly. And every time I have later caught them doing it. You know what’s really weird about it? Nobody even questions the fact that this phrase is the only place you will ever see “sudden” used as a noun.

4.     There has never been a player who was unanimously voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Some sportswriters actually pride themselves on the fact that they won’t vote for players on the first ballot. That simply makes no sense. I worked in professional baseball for eight seasons. I understand people not voting for players who used steroids (although anyone in the game who claims not to have known it was going on long before the BALCO investigation is either lying or clueless – it was common subject matter in the press box long before the reports came out). But anyone who watched Cal Ripken, Tony Gwynn, Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson at least a couple of times and doesn’t think they belong in the Hall should immediately have his press credentials pulled, because he knows nothing about baseball. Speaking of the Hall of Fame, it’s an absolute travesty that Buck O’Neil has never been inducted. I know he’s got a statue there and a lifetime achievement award named after him, but he’s still not a Hall of Famer. And the National Baseball Hall of Fame has zero credibility because of it.

Nobody gets out of the camel clutch,
but I have a feeling that Hulk Hogan "won" this bout.

5.     I know professional wrestling is fake. I kind of wish it wasn’t. This fact may not seem to fit in. But, frankly, I don’t understand why I wish that. I don’t even watch wrestling (but I do happily follow the Iron Sheik on Twitter, even though he's ridiculously inappropriate - and hilarious).

6.     Why did my mother used to tell me that I had to finish my dinner plate because “there are children starving in China (or Africa or wherever)”? When I was eight years old, I finally looked up at her and suggested that it might be more helpful if we mailed them the food than me eating it. It never did seem like the asparagus on my plate in Kansas was going to do those poor children any good whether I ate it or not.

7.     Why do we all feel pressure to make lists with either three or 10 entries? I think seven sounds like a much nicer number, even if there are a lot more things in life that I don’t understand.

What did I miss? While the filter is still off, let me know what you think.